What are abusive relationships? |

Overview

Dating relationships most often begin positively, with physical attraction and compatibility. Most couples plan for the future, compromise, trust each other, and give each other space when necessary. Individuals normally have friends outside the relationship, as well as interaction with their families. However, when one partner tries to control the other with verbal put-downs, isolation, threats, sexual abuse, or violence, the relationship has become abusive.

Abuse occurs when a person wants to control an intimate partner. A person might become an abuser for several reasons. He or she might be naturally aggressive or may have learned aggression from family, friends, or negative role models in society. People who come from a home in which one parent abused the other may consider this behavior normal and emulate what they have seen. Other individuals may have difficulty controlling their temper or feel disrespected if their partner does not obey them.

Contributing factors include financial difficulties, unemployment, and family upheaval. While sometimes blamed on alcohol or drug use, abuse always has underlying causes. However, the use of substances may lower an abuser's inhibitions or cloud his or her reasoning, contributing to the abuse.

For the victim's part, he or she might also have learned such behavior at home or may not know what to expect from a relationship and consider the behavior normal. Many victims have low self-esteem and rely on their connection to their partner. They may believe the partner's put-downs are true. Once the abuse becomes physical, they may feel responsible for the abuser's anger and deserving of the punishment they receive.

Physical abuse is more common than most people realize. More than one-third of all women have been physically assaulted during their lives. About one-fourth of these women have been severely battered and one-tenth have been raped by their partner. Among teens surveyed in New York who were in a relationship, one-third were afraid of being physically harmed by a boyfriend or girlfriend and one-fifth had actually been physically attacked. Among men, one in fourteen had been physically abused by a partner, and the majority of attacks occurred in same-sex relationships.

At the beginning of an unhealthy relationship, an aggressive, controlling person often comes on strong; he or she declares love quickly and wants to spend all of his or her time with the new partner. The aggressor often uses guilt to begin gaining control by making statements such as "If you loved me, you would do what I ask." The aggressor may call or text the partner with increasing frequency to keep tabs on his or her whereabouts and activities.

Once the abuser establishes control in the relationship, he or she uses guilt, shame, and fear to continue dominating the victim. The abuser may try to isolate the victim, both physically and emotionally, from friends and family. The abuser might move the partner to a new location and try to cut off the partner's ability to maintain ties by preventing employment, removing access to money, and making threats.

Most physical abuse is not continuous but occurs in a cycle of anger, violence, remorse, and promises. It is then followed by a period of more normal behavior. In some relationships, these cycles last a year or more while in others they are repeated more frequently. A couple's relationship may be relatively normal for months, even if the abuser maintains control through threats and occasional displays of temper. However, as stress and anger build up in the individual, a violent incident becomes more likely. Sometimes the abuser sets up the victim before the violence begins. For example, Rick sends his girlfriend Olivia on an errand that he decides should take 20 minutes to complete. Olivia is aware that Rick's stress is building and tries to hurry back, but it takes her 30 minutes to return. Rick becomes furious and accuses her of meeting someone, and, feeling justified, calls her names and hits her. Later Rick apologizes, brings Olivia flowers, and promises never to hurt her again. The relationship returns to its normal state until Rick's anger bursts through again.

The effects of abuse on the victim are not only physical, but also emotional. The victim suffers from varying degrees of depression, stress, sleeplessness, anger, fear, and shame depending on the frequency and severity of the abuse. The victim may be estranged from family and friends and feel that there is nowhere to turn for help. While leaving the relationship may seem like the obvious solution, the victim may have been made to feel worthless, have no money, and be afraid of what the abuser will do in retaliation. The abuser may have threatened to harm the victim or his or her family in the event of an escape. These are not idle threats, either. The risk of injury or even death rises dramatically after an abused partner leaves the relationship. With the help of a shelter, family support, and sometimes the law, victims can make a plan for a safe escape, but it can be a long process before they can transition back to a normal life.

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