What is sibling rivalry? |

Causes and Symptoms

Sibling rivalry is the competition or jealousy that develops between siblings for the love, affection, and attention of either one or both parents. The concept of sibling rivalry has been discussed for centuries, and it is considered a universal phenomenon in families. Although sibling rivalry is generally described in terms of its negative aspects, healthy competition between brothers and sisters can be useful in the individual development of necessary social, communication, and cognitive skills.

While the dynamics of the ways in which brothers and sisters relate to one another cannot be reduced to specifics of age, birth order, gender, and family size, these family constellation variables are important in the development of sibling rivalry. While each element will be discussed separately, it is important to take into account all the relevant factors when looking at causes of sibling rivalry.

The ages of siblings and their birth order are significant factors that have been related to sibling competition. There are many stereotypes associated with being the oldest, youngest, and middle child in the family. For example, typical firstborn children tend to be highly organized and responsible, while youngest children are likely to benefit from more experienced, relaxed parenting and may be more affectionate and spontaneous. Middle children are often more difficult to characterize. They may be at more risk than other children for receiving less attention, and they tend to develop stronger relationships outside the family. Using these stereotypical characteristics as guides for assessing a particular child, it is possible to speculate on the relevance of birth order and age in the development of sibling competition.

The effects of spacing between children has also given rise to a number of theories. It is generally accepted that the closer siblings are in age, the more similar their life experiences are likely to be. As they may have more in common, siblings close in age are also more likely to struggle with each other more frequently. For this reason, siblings who are close in age may engage in more competition with each other than siblings who are separated by more than a few years.

The gender of siblings is also a variable in the development of sibling relationships, including sibling competition. Siblings help each other discover some of the basic characteristics of male and female roles. Growing up with all brothers or all sisters can teach a child much about dealing with one gender. Having a sibling of the opposite sex can offer a child valuable initial information about the opposite sex. The attitudes of parents regarding gender roles also influence the relationships between siblings. Parents who display favoritism toward children based on gender may contribute to sibling jealousy and competition.

For a wide variety of reasons, specific children may be more emotionally vulnerable to feelings of jealousy than their siblings at a given time. For example, in a family with a child who has a disability, other siblings may feel that they do not receive as much attention, or the child with special needs may feel different and unwanted.

Emotionally vulnerable children are frequently found in families experiencing high levels of stress. There is evidence that the emotional climate within the family is directly linked to the quality of sibling relationships. It then follows that sibling rivalry may be more problematic in families where there are stressors such as marital conflict, chronically ill family members, or unwanted extended family involvement.

The competition that emerges between siblings can be for material resources such as toys or space within the household. For example, it is not uncommon for an older child to resent having to share a room with a younger brother or sister. Frequently, the competition for material resources stems from a child’s uncertainty regarding his or her status in the family. Children may interpret the need to share space as an indication of their lesser importance to parents.

Jealousy can develop when a child perceives favoritism on the part of a parent. This jealousy results from a lack of equality in treatment. Not only is the less favored child at risk for feeling jealous, but the parental favorite often does not perceive the extra attention as pleasant or comfortable. The challenge in parenting is trying to achieve equality when children are each exceptional beings with their own individual needs. In her book Dr. Mom’s Parenting Guide (1991), Marianne Neifert recommends loving children “uniquely,” giving each child the message that his or her place in the family is a special one. A parent who consistently favors one child over another through the amount of love and attention shown is encouraging unhealthy rivalry between the children.

Sibling rivalry can manifest itself in a variety of ways. When a new sibling is born, an older child may be either openly or passively hostile to the new baby. This hostility can be displayed in the form of direct verbal or physical attacks on the baby. Sometimes children request that parents return the infant to the hospital or give it away. In other cases, a child may act up or demand attention when the parent is busy with the infant. Serious abuse by siblings is rare, but even mild incidents need attention by parents.

Some children react to a new sibling by displaying regressive behavior such as bed-wetting, asking to be carried, thumb-sucking, excessive crying, or talking baby talk. Other negative behaviors associated with sibling jealousy are lying, aggressiveness, or destructive behaviors. It is also typical for the child to vent frustration or anger on other individuals, pets, or toys when feeling jealous of a sibling. In older children, sibling rivalry may be exhibited by taking the younger child’s toys or demanding more parental attention. Another example of rivalry in older children includes a drive to outperform the other sibling in academic or athletic settings.

Unless managed effectively by parents, feelings of jealousy and competition among siblings can undermine a child’s development and may continue into adult relationships. Sibling rivalry can be minimized by the active involvement of parents in setting appropriate rules for dealing with conflicts.

Treatment and Therapy

The negative impact of sibling rivalry can be minimized through parental education and attention to the conditions that intensify sibling competition. Attending to the development of a relationship between siblings is an ongoing process that parents can enhance through their involvement in helping children develop good interpersonal skills.

The foundation for dealing effectively with sibling rivalry is an awareness and understanding that sibling competition is a normal, healthy part of family life. Rivalry develops between siblings in nearly every family, and it becomes problematic only when taken to extremes or when ignored and allowed to escalate.

The common behavior problems associated with sibling rivalry occur in the context of many interacting factors: parental expectations; the child’s developmental level; the temperament of a particular child; parental discipline; family constellation characteristics such as age, gender, and spacing of children; and the presence of extended family members. There is growing evidence regarding the importance of obtaining assessments and information from family members (including extended family) and other sources such as school or day care personnel when identifying a problem of sibling rivalry.

One of the situations in which parents express the most open concern regarding sibling rivalry is when a new baby is expected or an adoption of a child is imminent. When a new sibling is expected, the other children can be invited to be actively involved in the preparation. Age-appropriate discussions with each child about pregnancy or adoption are good preventive measures. Parents should be available to answer questions regarding the changes to be expected with the arrival of the additional child. An open, direct discussion with older children can minimize the adjustment difficulties and address initial concerns. Children need regular verbal and demonstrated assurances that they will continue to be loved following the arrival of a new sibling.

Parents can involve an older child in the care of a baby as a means of acknowledging the unique contributions of that child. Expecting an older child to be a regular caretaker, however, may create additional problems and place unnecessary stress on the older brother or sister.

While some older children exhibit negative behaviors associated with the arrival of a baby, others respond positively by becoming more mature and autonomous. Focusing on the individual contributions of an older sibling can minimize the feelings of jealousy when a new child enters the family.

Parents should avoid making either overt or subtle comparisons between siblings and instead focus on the special qualities and achievements of each child. As Neifert suggests, “honor the individual in every child.” This is sometimes difficult to accomplish, as many times parents anticipate that subsequent children will be similar to their firstborn. For example, if a first child is successful in sports, a parent may anticipate that the younger sibling will also be athletically inclined. Such unrealistic expectations can foster unhealthy competition and put needless pressure on a younger sibling.

Jealousy between brothers and sisters seldom ends with the adjustment of a new family member and the acknowledgment that an “only” child now has to share parental attention. Balancing the emotional needs of two or more children of differing ages continues to be an important concern of parents as children move through different developmental stages.

The negative behaviors associated with sibling rivalry can stem from other sources as well. Sometimes siblings fight because they are bored or have few appropriate alternatives to taunting a sibling. Sometimes the behavior can be a reaction to stressors outside the home, such as problems at school or socialization difficulties. A parent’s reaction to negative behavior will have a large impact on whether the behavior continues. Parents who can model effective interpersonal skills themselves are likely to influence the development of these same skills in their children.

When jealous behaviors are displayed by siblings, parents need to be sensitive to the source of the feelings. The cause of the competition or rivalry should be the focus of parental interventions, rather than the negative behavior itself. Children should be encouraged to talk about their feelings openly, and parents need to be willing to acknowledge and validate those feelings for each child. After allowing children to express their feelings and showing appreciation for the difficulty of the problem, parents can encourage siblings to work toward a mutual resolution.

One of the common manifestations of sibling rivalry is the expression of anger and, sometimes, the physical or verbal abuse that accompanies the anger. While common, violent displays of anger are not appropriate. Helping children learn to handle anger responsibly is an important task for parents.

In handling fighting between children, parents must assess the level of conflict and intervene appropriately when necessary. Normal bickering between siblings that does not include verbal abuse or threats of physical abuse rarely requires parental involvement. If the situation worsens, however, the following steps can be useful for parents: acknowledge the angry feelings of each child, then reflect each child’s point of view; describe the problem from the position of a respectful bystander, without taking sides on the issue; and express confidence that the children can come up with a reasonable solution.

Parents need to be actively involved in promoting a system of justice within the family that includes age-appropriate rules and consequences for behavior. Examples of ways that parents can manage the behavior are separating siblings when a situation appears dangerous and redirecting children’s activities when aggression is likely to occur. Parents can also take responsibility for encouraging and rewarding cooperative play and for providing children with appropriate, nonaggressive models for resolving conflict.

Teaching children conflict resolution strategies is an important way for parents to intervene in sibling rivalry problems. Developing the ability to express one’s feelings is a valuable step toward conflict resolution. Children should be encouraged to put their feelings into words in appropriate ways. Young children may need help in doing so through the use of statements such as, “You don’t like it when I spend so much time caring for your baby sister, do you?” Granting a child permission to fantasize about a given situation may also help in diffusing angry feelings. Encouraging children to verbalize what they wish would happen allows them to address emotions in an honest way. Children should be taught from an early age to develop creative ways to vent their anger. Children can be taught to use physical exercise, write feelings in a journal, or go to their rooms to cool down as appropriate ways to manage anger.

Managing sibling conflict is complex in any family, but even more so in situations where there is a single parent or a blending of families through divorce and remarriage. Because sibling competition stems from a child’s anxiety about sharing parental attention, the presence of a single parent can intensify the feelings of insecurity about one’s position in the family. Single parents need to be careful not to turn a child into a spouse substitute, instead viewing each child as a unique individual who deserves to be able to mature at his or her own pace. Extended family members, including grandparents, aunts, and uncles, may be useful in helping a single parent meet the individual needs of each child in the family.

When parents remarry, children are required to make adjustments in their relationships and to include new people in their family. Children need to be allowed to express their ambivalent feelings regarding stepsiblings and half siblings, as these feelings are a normal part of this adjustment process. Parents need to accept and tolerate each child’s feelings, as long as guidelines of justice and safety are recognized.

Childhood rivalries between siblings can be revived in adulthood, especially when children must come together to make decisions about aging parents. Feuds erupt easily between brothers and sisters over complicated issues such as who should have the most control over belongings, medical care, and finances. In some cases, rivalries are increased when the decision is made to take the parent in to one of the siblings' home rather than place him or her in a care facility.

Despite the abundant research available on the topic of sibling rivalry, there is still much that is unknown regarding the complex relationships between brothers and sisters. While it is possible to look at generalizations regarding the issues important in sibling rivalry, it is not possible to predict adjustment or maladjustment in a particular child. Information must be gathered from a number of sources and evaluated for each child when planning a course of action to address concerns about sibling rivalry.

Perspective and Prospects

Through the ages, people have assumed that jealousy and rivalry are unavoidable characteristics of sibling relationships. Sibling rivalry is a common theme in several classic stories. In the Bible, the competition between brothers Cain and Abel and the jealousy that develops between Joseph and his brothers over issues of parental favoritism are but two accounts of sibling rivalry. Such accounts support the assertion that jealousy among siblings is a common phenomenon.

Sigmund Freud’s theory of socialization was one of the first to address the concept of sibling rivalry from a scientific perspective. According to Freud, sibling rivalry, with its struggles and controversy, is inherent in all brother-and-sister relationships. Much of what Freud hypothesized regarding sibling competition was grounded in a personal understanding of his own relationships with his siblings. Freud was the oldest child in a family that included five younger sisters and a younger brother.

Competition for parental attention is a dominant theme in Freud’s description of the sibling relationship. His description emphasizes the negative emotions associated with sibling relationships and concludes that, although these feelings diminish as children mature, the rivalry persists into adulthood. Few of his remarks about sibling relationships address gender differences, as Freud described relationships from his own perspective as a male. Therefore, he was also a firm believer in the idea of the Oedipus complex, in which male children inherently feel sexual impulses toward their mother and subsequent jealously toward their father—which could extend to heightened competition with siblings as well.

Another theorist who addressed the issue of sibling relationships was Walter Toman. In 1961, Toman published the book Family Constellation: Theory and Practice of a Psychological Game. The book suggests that birth order, gender, and spacing are significant factors in the development of personality and strongly influence the nature of personal relationships both within and outside the family of origin. Toman details eight sibling positions, such as oldest brother of brothers, youngest sister of brothers, and so on. While the generalizations presented in Toman’s work have significance as a basis of comparison, there are too many intervening variables and complexities in family life to use birth order theories as complete explanations for sibling relationships and family roles. Birth order, gender, and spacing are several of the many significant factors that shape the connections between siblings.

Sibling relationships play an important role in each child’s development. Since the works of Freud and Toman were published, researchers have expanded their studies of sibling rivalry to include the broader context of the family. There is growing evidence that the emotional climate of the family is directly related to the quality of the relationship of siblings. The parental relationship, factors of vulnerability in specific children, parental expectations, and family constellation variables each contribute to the development and intensity of sibling rivalry between brothers and sisters in a given family.

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