What is love or relationship addiction?

Causes

A relationship addiction can be caused by many different factors. Common contributors include depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, and a sense of helplessness. Some behavior can be traced to childhood abuse or inadequate bonding experiences with caregivers early in life, which can result in a high level of neediness.

Some people remain in an addicted relationship or fall into a pattern of addicted relationships due to lack of education or social skills, or because of impaired judgment. Pursuers often enjoy exploiting or controlling others, or they seek revenge for being rejected.

Couples who are codependent feed off each other’s most vulnerable or negative qualities. In those situations in which a person is obsessed with the idea of romance or love, he or she becomes addicted to the mood-enhancing qualities of “falling in love” and is unable to move forward into a more mature relationship.

Risk Factors

People most at risk for relationship addictions are those who have failed to develop a sense of worth and self. Other people at high risk are victims of child abuse or child abandonment or persons who grew up with codependent parents and failed to learn about healthier relationships. Persons with a substance addiction, sexual addiction, or another mental disorder are also at risk, as are those brought up in a fundamentalist religion or a culture that advocates strict passive and dominant gender roles and a sense of martyrdom between spouses.

Symptoms

When a person falls in love, a sense of being “swept away” or losing oneself is common and normal. In a healthy relationship, this state of being is temporary and eventually blossoms into a deeper sense of love and responsibility, qualities of a successful long-term relationship. Also normal is the need to establish multiple relationships before the “right” person comes along.

Those who are addicted to love, however, establish a pattern of leaving partners just when the initial romantic high begins to fall away, never taking a relationship to the next level. Love addicts also can exhibit a pattern of extramarital affairs, tend to spend abnormal amounts of time fantasizing, and may miss work or destroy friendships and family relationships because they are too busy looking for their next attraction.

Signs that one is invested in an unhealthy relationship include situations in which values are being compromised, in which positive rewards are lacking, and in which one’s health and safety are at risk. The inability to leave a pathological relationship can cause anxiety, high blood pressure, moodiness, digestive problems, eating disorders, depression, and substance abuse. In some cases, the shame or guilt associated with codependent relationships causes people to withdraw from society. A partner who is manipulative, controlling, and abnormally jealous may stalk the other, invade his or her privacy, and resort to violence or even murder when rejected.

Although it is normal for those who have been rejected in a love relationship to feel sad, worthless, and “lost” for a temporary period of time, the pathological love addict finds the pain so unbearable that he or she has thoughts of suicide and may carry out the act. The dependency upon another can be so overwhelming that it prohibits the person from imagining a life without the partner.

Screening and Diagnosis

There is no official diagnosis of a relationship addiction as determined by the American Psychological Association or any other major professional group. Mental health professionals rely on questionnaires or surveys to measure jealousy, anger, and other emotions, and to uncover related psychological motives.

Examples of surveys that can be administered by professionals or used for self-diagnosis are available from Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Co-Dependents Anonymous, and other organizations. As these tests rely upon personal reflection and honest answers, they work best when the client has admitted to a problem. In other situations, family members and current or former partners might be interviewed for additional insight.

When a person has been accused of stalking, the victim may be asked to complete the stalking behavior checklist or similar surveys, which commonly are used in domestic violence cases. Clients will also be screened for mental disorders, including substance abuse, depression, sexual addictions, and borderline personality disorder, which are often present with relationship addicts. A physical examination and medical history also may be conducted.

Treatment and Therapy

Treatment for a relationship addiction usually involves a twelve-step program similar to the model devised by Alcoholics Anonymous in addition to individual or couples therapy. Twelve-step programs rely on peer support, fellowship, and a belief in a higher power to help the client abstain from the unhealthy behavior or to end an addictive relationship. Individual psychotherapy can help to uncover underlying problems, attitudes, or disorders and to focus on treatment.

An important part of treatment for those who have been involved in an addictive relationship is finding activities that offer a distraction; getting rid of the reminders of a relationship, such as gifts, cards, and music; and participating in a healthy lifestyle. Education is also essential, as clients may need to learn certain coping or interpersonal skills to build healthy relationships. When depression, borderline personality disorder, or another mental disorder is present, treatment also will consist of additional psychotherapy and medication.

Prevention

The best way to prevent a relationship addiction is to develop a healthy and happy self-identity. Persons should pursue a career and leisure activities that are fulfilling, should develop a spiritual or humanistic side of life, and should participate in social activities that build healthy relationships. A person who likes and respects him- or herself conveys that and other healthy attitudes to others.

Learning about normal human development and the qualities of healthy relationships, and developing critical thinking skills that can be used to judge relationships, also are important. A person should seek professional help at the first signs of a problem relationship, before a partner becomes abusive or violent, and should be aware that stalking, abuse, and sexual harassment are not only unacceptable, but are also crimes.

Bibliography

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Cupach, William R., and Brian H. Spitzberg. The Dark Side of Relationship Pursuit: From Attraction to Obsession and Stalking. Mahwah: Erlbaum, 2004. Print.

Fisher, Helen. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. New York: Holt, 2004. Print.

Fjelstad, Margalis. "Getting Out of an Addictive Relationship." Psychology Today. Sussex, 30Dec. 2013. Web. 30 Oct. 2015.

Katz, Dian. “Checking the Health of Your Relationship.” Lesbian News 29.7 (2004): 51. Print.

Moore, John D. Confusing Love with Obsession: When Being in Love Means Being in Control. 3rd ed. Center City: Hazelden, 2006. Print.

Peabody, Susan. Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships. 3rd ed. New York: Celestial Arts, 2005. Print.

Schaeffer, Brenda. Is It Love or Is It Addiction: The Book That Changed the Way We Think about Romance and Intimacy. Center City: Hazelden, 2009. Print.

Tallis, Frank. Love Sick: Love as a Mental Illness. New York: Thunder’s Mouth, 2004. Print.